sorry for the delay everyone i was waiting until i got my laptop which took longer than expected, anyways ive been good many many changes...
at this point in my life ive realized that my time away has only proven to me that i had the best life at home. everything was done for me and i still wasnt happy. i wasnt happy because i felt over privileged but not in the way i should have been, or at least take advantage of my situation to do good and prosper.
i have left the kibbutz solely because i felt that i was actually getting dumber. people dont change and when you bring an outsider in people are accepting and welcoming at first but then true personalities come out and you are no longer so happy. i also am aware of my necessity to change my surrounds quite often in a short period of time. i realize that i get bored easily. but for my own defense, the kibbutzim movement does not really allow time into their bubbles.
i had an in depth conversation with a fellow volunteer a couple days before i left and we basically came to the conclusion that people only live on kibbutz because its easy and everyone does what they can to make surviving possible. it doesnt take much effort or knowledge to live and run on a kibbutz.
that being said, thanks to the help of my parents and my time on the kibbutz, i am able to recognize that i am a smart person and i have goals and aspirations to be a functioning working member of society.
my travels will continue as i have been here for 2 months and only know of the desert. i have not travelled much outside of the Negev and i find that to be such a waste of time. my reason for coming here was to get into my own head and see a different country and make choices and work everyday to make sure that i am looking out for my best possible interest at heart.
i am currently struggling with 2 options: go to another kibbutz, which i dont want to do but because of my immature financial decision seems like the easy way out. plus, i dont feel like i would grow up personally or intellectually there. id be stuck getting things done for me and minor responsibility of a 5-6 hour work day.
or get a job and settle in for the next 4 months. after all, i have to learn how to do this at some point.
my biggest fear is, that i will do so well here and learn how to manage myself and have to take responsibility because my mom and dad arnt here to help me or bail me out of trouble as they have always done; and then i wont have a reason to leave Israel. because leaving Israel after i have succeeded only means that i have to start over once i get back home. but thats just the lazy part of me speaking and in reality time only moves forward and what makes life so wonderful is that we are always starting over. with every choice and decision we make as human-beings characterizes itself into a new path and a new beginning.
in my short life i have had a couple new beginnings, all because the choices i made were the wrong ones but seemed like easiest way out of a bad situation that i would so often put myself in.
i think that if im not currently going to school, because my head isnt in it right now at least not while im away from home (when i go back its not an option), then i should at least learn how to live and provide for myself. i feel that i owe that much to myself.
i really hope this is the growing up my parents were so desperate for me to find out.***
ive spoken to my mom and dad while we have both been away and it made me happy when they noticed that i have been changing and that they continue to have hope for me. i have hope for myself. im learning to accept who i am and how to work my personality. i know that seems like something that should be so simple but i guess while i was growing up i was so desperate for attention, which i had plenty of, i would do anything to get it and from anyone for that matter. somewhere lost in translation i forgot who Bianca was and what Bianca wanted and who Bianca truly loved and struggled with the idea of loving myself because i didnt know who i was or wanted to be.
yes i had relationships with really great people but they never worked out because i was too busy trying to get everyone to love me because i didnt love myself so much. and so thats what it came down to. my needy-ness and loneliness led me to to where im at today. in Israel, alone with me myself and i.
i am so grateful for this opportunity though. i think if i was still at home i would be doing nothing and going nowhere.
while my friends were in school and getting focused i spent my days sleeping in and looking for the next fun thing to do.
dont get me wrong, im having a blast here.we go out, have meaningless conversation about our home life and our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends, stay up until the sun comes up, dance like theres no tomorrow. etc. you get the point.
ive met some pretty amazing people. lifelong friends from all over the world.one thing ive noticed from meeting all these new people is that everyone has a story, everyone has reasons why they left home, i speak solely of the volunteers who iv had conversations with. everyone had something to get away from something missing in their lives. some unfulfilled purpose that were all so desperate to find out. to find our place in this big planet.
i actually took notice the other night of the speediness of my changing. i know 2 months isnt a long time but the way i carry myself and my thought process and the way i approach people and event the music i listen to is different. different is a good thing at least for now while im still adjusting.
until next time
-me
