ive always been afraid to be me. to put all my ideas and my realities right there in front of me and present them as i am. i always thought that if i showed the real me to me i wouldnt like the person i see and the person ive become. i let my sweet talking get me where i am today. no where. im not being hard of myself but as i sit here in the middle of no where in a country much smaller than the state of new jersey i realize that im 20 years old and havent dont anything remotely productive. i graduated high school by the skins on my teethe because i just stopped caring. i let my social life manifest itself ito this big giant bully that even i was afraid of. i let other people get to me and pull me in all sorts of different directions; mostly the wrong ones. and i know i should have been strong enough to just put my best foot foward and move on and leave all the bullshit behind and worry about me and my life and my goals and my ambitions. but i wasnt. i dont think i am that person yet. i dont know if ill ever be that person. but heres where life plays a funny trick on you: most of the time its our parents who are biologically programmed to push you and make you do better than they did or at least just succeed in something in life; but other times its just the result of all your mistakes evolving into one big wake up call and at that point you have no other option, basic survival needs are at risk.
so much has happened since i got to be'er sheva. mostly good because there are good people on this earth no matter where you go. and because of how i was raised and the things ive seen in my short life i have definite reason to believe that good people exist. ive met some of the brightest minds in our upcoming generation. people that will change the world someday.
im learning so much about life and people and the environment and simple living that sometimes i wonder if ill ever be able to do this back home. i miss home dearly. i miss my family because they are my family and becasue theyve alwasy stuck by me no matter how much i messed up. but at this point in my soul-vacation i feel as though the only reason i want to go back is to prove to them how well i can do. and how far ive come as a person and a member of society. first of all thats not a good reason and second of all i cant do that if i give up now and run back home because life is hard here and im suffering. im suffering without love but im gaining so much more without it. im being forced to love myself. im being forced to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself that i can do it, i can succeed, i have to. normal people can do this without being shipped off halfway across the universe but as everyone knows me and as well as i know myself i learn silly life lessons at a much slower pace. obviously this needs to change, for my own good.
although, i have to give myself some credit on the great work ive done with my persona. i dont know if thats the correct way to use that word but it sounds right so im using it.
as the weeks progress i learn something new about myself that i never even thought possible. silly fact: i always thought eating alone was for weirdos; but that was just my insecurity of being watched a stared at as that lonely girl who has to eat alone. i eat alone confidently now.
ive learned that im a good friend. i can be trusted. its a savvy feeling.
my time in israel has been that of a bumpy road. honestly, i came here with the intention to volunteer my life for 6 months and then go back home and start over. plans never work out. i really enjoyed my time on the kibbutz, i enjoyed the solidarity, the peace, the quiet, and the new faces. but i also came to realize that i am in a brand new country everyone is a new face, and i aspire to meet them all. i realized that the kibbutz was just a stepping stone into the real world, a world in which i have to fend for myself and become my own kind of person without things getting done for me, thats why i left. no matter how hard it is, for my own sake and well-being, i had to push it to the extreme and get to my lowest low. my parents say im ballsy, i call it courageous.
my parents mentioned the fact that this is the longest commitment ive ever kept. 3 months in one place to teach me a lesson. lesson: learned. mission not even remotely accomplished.
im learning how to accept who i am and what i want, in a partner, in a friend, in an enemy, in a companion. i know im young and have my whole life ahead of me to find this one person but i cant help but think what if im so unstable they just pass right by me and i never get a chance to give all the love thats inside my heart or recieve all the love that i deserve to recieve. or what if ive already met the person i want to spend my life with but again too unstable to manage life and love at the same time. thats the balance im learning to handle.
until next time
me
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
loosing my way with words
sorry for the delay everyone i was waiting until i got my laptop which took longer than expected, anyways ive been good many many changes...
at this point in my life ive realized that my time away has only proven to me that i had the best life at home. everything was done for me and i still wasnt happy. i wasnt happy because i felt over privileged but not in the way i should have been, or at least take advantage of my situation to do good and prosper.
i have left the kibbutz solely because i felt that i was actually getting dumber. people dont change and when you bring an outsider in people are accepting and welcoming at first but then true personalities come out and you are no longer so happy. i also am aware of my necessity to change my surrounds quite often in a short period of time. i realize that i get bored easily. but for my own defense, the kibbutzim movement does not really allow time into their bubbles.
i had an in depth conversation with a fellow volunteer a couple days before i left and we basically came to the conclusion that people only live on kibbutz because its easy and everyone does what they can to make surviving possible. it doesnt take much effort or knowledge to live and run on a kibbutz.
that being said, thanks to the help of my parents and my time on the kibbutz, i am able to recognize that i am a smart person and i have goals and aspirations to be a functioning working member of society.
my travels will continue as i have been here for 2 months and only know of the desert. i have not travelled much outside of the Negev and i find that to be such a waste of time. my reason for coming here was to get into my own head and see a different country and make choices and work everyday to make sure that i am looking out for my best possible interest at heart.
i am currently struggling with 2 options: go to another kibbutz, which i dont want to do but because of my immature financial decision seems like the easy way out. plus, i dont feel like i would grow up personally or intellectually there. id be stuck getting things done for me and minor responsibility of a 5-6 hour work day.
or get a job and settle in for the next 4 months. after all, i have to learn how to do this at some point.
my biggest fear is, that i will do so well here and learn how to manage myself and have to take responsibility because my mom and dad arnt here to help me or bail me out of trouble as they have always done; and then i wont have a reason to leave Israel. because leaving Israel after i have succeeded only means that i have to start over once i get back home. but thats just the lazy part of me speaking and in reality time only moves forward and what makes life so wonderful is that we are always starting over. with every choice and decision we make as human-beings characterizes itself into a new path and a new beginning.
in my short life i have had a couple new beginnings, all because the choices i made were the wrong ones but seemed like easiest way out of a bad situation that i would so often put myself in.
i think that if im not currently going to school, because my head isnt in it right now at least not while im away from home (when i go back its not an option), then i should at least learn how to live and provide for myself. i feel that i owe that much to myself.
i really hope this is the growing up my parents were so desperate for me to find out.***
ive spoken to my mom and dad while we have both been away and it made me happy when they noticed that i have been changing and that they continue to have hope for me. i have hope for myself. im learning to accept who i am and how to work my personality. i know that seems like something that should be so simple but i guess while i was growing up i was so desperate for attention, which i had plenty of, i would do anything to get it and from anyone for that matter. somewhere lost in translation i forgot who Bianca was and what Bianca wanted and who Bianca truly loved and struggled with the idea of loving myself because i didnt know who i was or wanted to be.
yes i had relationships with really great people but they never worked out because i was too busy trying to get everyone to love me because i didnt love myself so much. and so thats what it came down to. my needy-ness and loneliness led me to to where im at today. in Israel, alone with me myself and i.
i am so grateful for this opportunity though. i think if i was still at home i would be doing nothing and going nowhere.
while my friends were in school and getting focused i spent my days sleeping in and looking for the next fun thing to do.
dont get me wrong, im having a blast here.we go out, have meaningless conversation about our home life and our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends, stay up until the sun comes up, dance like theres no tomorrow. etc. you get the point.
ive met some pretty amazing people. lifelong friends from all over the world.one thing ive noticed from meeting all these new people is that everyone has a story, everyone has reasons why they left home, i speak solely of the volunteers who iv had conversations with. everyone had something to get away from something missing in their lives. some unfulfilled purpose that were all so desperate to find out. to find our place in this big planet.
i actually took notice the other night of the speediness of my changing. i know 2 months isnt a long time but the way i carry myself and my thought process and the way i approach people and event the music i listen to is different. different is a good thing at least for now while im still adjusting.
until next time
-me
at this point in my life ive realized that my time away has only proven to me that i had the best life at home. everything was done for me and i still wasnt happy. i wasnt happy because i felt over privileged but not in the way i should have been, or at least take advantage of my situation to do good and prosper.
i have left the kibbutz solely because i felt that i was actually getting dumber. people dont change and when you bring an outsider in people are accepting and welcoming at first but then true personalities come out and you are no longer so happy. i also am aware of my necessity to change my surrounds quite often in a short period of time. i realize that i get bored easily. but for my own defense, the kibbutzim movement does not really allow time into their bubbles.
i had an in depth conversation with a fellow volunteer a couple days before i left and we basically came to the conclusion that people only live on kibbutz because its easy and everyone does what they can to make surviving possible. it doesnt take much effort or knowledge to live and run on a kibbutz.
that being said, thanks to the help of my parents and my time on the kibbutz, i am able to recognize that i am a smart person and i have goals and aspirations to be a functioning working member of society.
my travels will continue as i have been here for 2 months and only know of the desert. i have not travelled much outside of the Negev and i find that to be such a waste of time. my reason for coming here was to get into my own head and see a different country and make choices and work everyday to make sure that i am looking out for my best possible interest at heart.
i am currently struggling with 2 options: go to another kibbutz, which i dont want to do but because of my immature financial decision seems like the easy way out. plus, i dont feel like i would grow up personally or intellectually there. id be stuck getting things done for me and minor responsibility of a 5-6 hour work day.
or get a job and settle in for the next 4 months. after all, i have to learn how to do this at some point.
my biggest fear is, that i will do so well here and learn how to manage myself and have to take responsibility because my mom and dad arnt here to help me or bail me out of trouble as they have always done; and then i wont have a reason to leave Israel. because leaving Israel after i have succeeded only means that i have to start over once i get back home. but thats just the lazy part of me speaking and in reality time only moves forward and what makes life so wonderful is that we are always starting over. with every choice and decision we make as human-beings characterizes itself into a new path and a new beginning.
in my short life i have had a couple new beginnings, all because the choices i made were the wrong ones but seemed like easiest way out of a bad situation that i would so often put myself in.
i think that if im not currently going to school, because my head isnt in it right now at least not while im away from home (when i go back its not an option), then i should at least learn how to live and provide for myself. i feel that i owe that much to myself.
i really hope this is the growing up my parents were so desperate for me to find out.***
ive spoken to my mom and dad while we have both been away and it made me happy when they noticed that i have been changing and that they continue to have hope for me. i have hope for myself. im learning to accept who i am and how to work my personality. i know that seems like something that should be so simple but i guess while i was growing up i was so desperate for attention, which i had plenty of, i would do anything to get it and from anyone for that matter. somewhere lost in translation i forgot who Bianca was and what Bianca wanted and who Bianca truly loved and struggled with the idea of loving myself because i didnt know who i was or wanted to be.
yes i had relationships with really great people but they never worked out because i was too busy trying to get everyone to love me because i didnt love myself so much. and so thats what it came down to. my needy-ness and loneliness led me to to where im at today. in Israel, alone with me myself and i.
i am so grateful for this opportunity though. i think if i was still at home i would be doing nothing and going nowhere.
while my friends were in school and getting focused i spent my days sleeping in and looking for the next fun thing to do.
dont get me wrong, im having a blast here.we go out, have meaningless conversation about our home life and our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends, stay up until the sun comes up, dance like theres no tomorrow. etc. you get the point.
ive met some pretty amazing people. lifelong friends from all over the world.one thing ive noticed from meeting all these new people is that everyone has a story, everyone has reasons why they left home, i speak solely of the volunteers who iv had conversations with. everyone had something to get away from something missing in their lives. some unfulfilled purpose that were all so desperate to find out. to find our place in this big planet.
i actually took notice the other night of the speediness of my changing. i know 2 months isnt a long time but the way i carry myself and my thought process and the way i approach people and event the music i listen to is different. different is a good thing at least for now while im still adjusting.
until next time
-me
Sunday, September 26, 2010
appreciation
ive been here for 2 months and already i see a change in my character and what i left behind at home.
character-
life isnt only about having a good time or making people happy its about being a funtioning human being in soceity and having fun, equal balance. in my life i have always been the party-goer the one always looking for the next laugh. ive come to realize that as i get older more and more is expected from me and i know that life is short and that i must take advantage. i must also know that in order to have fun i have to be responsible. my job here on kibbutz has taught me that first and foremost. i have learned that i am only 20 and even though i pride myself in knowing a lot, in actuality i dont. but im more than willing to learn.
when i was 18 my parents decided that as my graduation present they would send me to live in spain for 2 months. as a recent high school graduate i should have taken that opportunity to meet new people from all over the world and broaden my horizons but instead i was too overwhelmed by not having my parents (who were so genorous) watch over me and my every move. therefore, i went out and partied like no other and spent my allowance carelessly, i didnt do well in the study abraod program in a country where i speak the language.
now that im in a country that i do not speak the language and older not more mature but older i feel as though i owe it to myself to be someone that im so desperate to be. i want to be worldly and cultured and meet all kinds of people. i want to fall in love with myself the way i know i can and on my own terms.
my parents are great and no im not just sucking up to them because they read this but because of the people i have met so far on this trip ive come to realize that i never had it bad. ive never had to beg or steal for survival. yes my mom and i have had our differences but who doesnt fight with their parents. my mom always looked out for me first and even though i was angry at her for a long time for leaving my dad i always knew becasue she reminded me constantly that it was for my benefit and a chance at a better life. my dad (papi) and i were always friends we talked about life and coming of age when i didnt know what to expect he was there. i dont know a lot of kids that had such a great relationship with their step parents but i got lucky. my parents put up with a lot especially with me and all my mistakes and how difficult it was for me to simply say no to the people clostest to me. my father and i only in the past six or seven years rebuilt our relationship becasue i was too immature to over come his absence which in essence was my fault for not letting him in. i love him dearly as my father and as my friend. im a big softy thanks to him and so passive thanks to him and becasue of him i am alive and will always thank him for that.
my life has drastically changed for the better and i continue to be playful because its who i am but i know theres much more to life than fun and games.
like abuelo always used to say, "be kind, be sweet, dont cost no money."
i guess living in israel with no money you reall take into account that being kind and being sweet will get you far.
until next time
-me
character-
life isnt only about having a good time or making people happy its about being a funtioning human being in soceity and having fun, equal balance. in my life i have always been the party-goer the one always looking for the next laugh. ive come to realize that as i get older more and more is expected from me and i know that life is short and that i must take advantage. i must also know that in order to have fun i have to be responsible. my job here on kibbutz has taught me that first and foremost. i have learned that i am only 20 and even though i pride myself in knowing a lot, in actuality i dont. but im more than willing to learn.
when i was 18 my parents decided that as my graduation present they would send me to live in spain for 2 months. as a recent high school graduate i should have taken that opportunity to meet new people from all over the world and broaden my horizons but instead i was too overwhelmed by not having my parents (who were so genorous) watch over me and my every move. therefore, i went out and partied like no other and spent my allowance carelessly, i didnt do well in the study abraod program in a country where i speak the language.
now that im in a country that i do not speak the language and older not more mature but older i feel as though i owe it to myself to be someone that im so desperate to be. i want to be worldly and cultured and meet all kinds of people. i want to fall in love with myself the way i know i can and on my own terms.
my parents are great and no im not just sucking up to them because they read this but because of the people i have met so far on this trip ive come to realize that i never had it bad. ive never had to beg or steal for survival. yes my mom and i have had our differences but who doesnt fight with their parents. my mom always looked out for me first and even though i was angry at her for a long time for leaving my dad i always knew becasue she reminded me constantly that it was for my benefit and a chance at a better life. my dad (papi) and i were always friends we talked about life and coming of age when i didnt know what to expect he was there. i dont know a lot of kids that had such a great relationship with their step parents but i got lucky. my parents put up with a lot especially with me and all my mistakes and how difficult it was for me to simply say no to the people clostest to me. my father and i only in the past six or seven years rebuilt our relationship becasue i was too immature to over come his absence which in essence was my fault for not letting him in. i love him dearly as my father and as my friend. im a big softy thanks to him and so passive thanks to him and becasue of him i am alive and will always thank him for that.
my life has drastically changed for the better and i continue to be playful because its who i am but i know theres much more to life than fun and games.
like abuelo always used to say, "be kind, be sweet, dont cost no money."
i guess living in israel with no money you reall take into account that being kind and being sweet will get you far.
until next time
-me
Thursday, September 16, 2010
atonement
happy new year from israel.
in the past 45 days ive been trying to figure who i am and who i want to be for the rest of my life. i know its a lot to deal with and should not be dealt with all at once unless the ultimate desire is to go crazy but i have been thinking a lot about what my life has come to in the past 20 years and what ive accomplished.
i spent the new year with a dear friend from miami and her family in ashdod on the beach. now, i dont know how much you know about kibbutz lifestlye but its very basic no fancy things and food is edible. simple life is the key. when i went to ashdod i was welcomed back into the new century all over again because i wasnt used to all the electronics and clean and modern houses. even though thats all ive been brought up to believe. because i was so lucky. i was greeted so genoroulsy by this family and helped out as much as i could. we ate pounds and pounds of food and had nice conversations. i learned that i know much more hebrew than i thought i did and was corrected when i said something out of context. this penthouse apartment on the beach was the most beautiful site i have seen here in israel. waking up to the ocean waves clashing along the shore and the sun rising in its horizon and then the sunset as it makes its way to the other side of the planet.im am completely aware that everyone has a story to tell and every family has their own issues and this family is no different. i really enjoyed my time with familiar faces and brought in the new year full of love and happiness.
yom kippur is tomorrow night. it is the day of atonement. jews get one day out of the year to ask hashem to forgive us for what we have done in the previous year and to teach us from our mistakes. hashem is fully aware of all the things ive done and even thought of doing. i plan on taking this day to really get into my own head and ask for forgiveness because everyone deserves a chance and i dont mean just second or third chances but the way i see it is, im 20 and growing up im bound to make many many mistakes my only problem is that i never learn from them. i always mess up by doing the same bullshit again. this year is different for me and i know my mom would probably say "you say that every year" but this year really will be different for me. im outside the country in gods-land and wont be going home for a while so i have nothing to do but repair myself. i hope to be inscribed in the book of life as a good person with a great heart and good intentions. i hope that my parents forgive me for all the pain and agony ive caused them over the years and my family as well. i know that they love me because theyre biologically programmed to do so but at this point in my life i feel like they should get something back, something good should come out of this time away for my benefit because they want to see me prosper nothing more but be a good person and a positive role model for my sister and for generations that follow.
i hope with this day of atonement i am able to fully reach gods attention even though every other jew is doing the same i trust that he hears us all individually. i trust that everything that has happened or will happen will be for the very best.
i trust that hashem will watch over my family and bless them in everyway possible and continue to inscribe them in the book of life.
i spoke to the rabbi of kibbutz and he said that god understands you even when you dont so trust in him fully and let him navigate, but free will, will make you make bad decisions unless you think of him first and foremost.
i wish all of you the easiest fast and the most honorable prayers.
until next time
-me
in the past 45 days ive been trying to figure who i am and who i want to be for the rest of my life. i know its a lot to deal with and should not be dealt with all at once unless the ultimate desire is to go crazy but i have been thinking a lot about what my life has come to in the past 20 years and what ive accomplished.
i spent the new year with a dear friend from miami and her family in ashdod on the beach. now, i dont know how much you know about kibbutz lifestlye but its very basic no fancy things and food is edible. simple life is the key. when i went to ashdod i was welcomed back into the new century all over again because i wasnt used to all the electronics and clean and modern houses. even though thats all ive been brought up to believe. because i was so lucky. i was greeted so genoroulsy by this family and helped out as much as i could. we ate pounds and pounds of food and had nice conversations. i learned that i know much more hebrew than i thought i did and was corrected when i said something out of context. this penthouse apartment on the beach was the most beautiful site i have seen here in israel. waking up to the ocean waves clashing along the shore and the sun rising in its horizon and then the sunset as it makes its way to the other side of the planet.im am completely aware that everyone has a story to tell and every family has their own issues and this family is no different. i really enjoyed my time with familiar faces and brought in the new year full of love and happiness.
yom kippur is tomorrow night. it is the day of atonement. jews get one day out of the year to ask hashem to forgive us for what we have done in the previous year and to teach us from our mistakes. hashem is fully aware of all the things ive done and even thought of doing. i plan on taking this day to really get into my own head and ask for forgiveness because everyone deserves a chance and i dont mean just second or third chances but the way i see it is, im 20 and growing up im bound to make many many mistakes my only problem is that i never learn from them. i always mess up by doing the same bullshit again. this year is different for me and i know my mom would probably say "you say that every year" but this year really will be different for me. im outside the country in gods-land and wont be going home for a while so i have nothing to do but repair myself. i hope to be inscribed in the book of life as a good person with a great heart and good intentions. i hope that my parents forgive me for all the pain and agony ive caused them over the years and my family as well. i know that they love me because theyre biologically programmed to do so but at this point in my life i feel like they should get something back, something good should come out of this time away for my benefit because they want to see me prosper nothing more but be a good person and a positive role model for my sister and for generations that follow.
i hope with this day of atonement i am able to fully reach gods attention even though every other jew is doing the same i trust that he hears us all individually. i trust that everything that has happened or will happen will be for the very best.
i trust that hashem will watch over my family and bless them in everyway possible and continue to inscribe them in the book of life.
i spoke to the rabbi of kibbutz and he said that god understands you even when you dont so trust in him fully and let him navigate, but free will, will make you make bad decisions unless you think of him first and foremost.
i wish all of you the easiest fast and the most honorable prayers.
until next time
-me
Monday, September 6, 2010
time- elapsed
so I'm basically living normally now. I've gotten my feet covered with the sand from this desert. i surprised myself that after a month of being here i haven't been homesick. rather, i miss my home because it is my home. it holds everything to be true to me and everything i know and used to. i realized that by being here that i carry my home wherever i go and with whom ever i encounter. I've made this place my home and I'm sure there are stages of comfort and after my first month of being here and meeting everyone and getting good at my job and gaining respect that I'm a great person. i have so messed up ideas sometimes that are not so rational but I've learned to delegate between the bad and good and this process never ends. the human condition says that humans never stop learning or wanting love.
I've met some pretty amazing people here. people from all over the world. people with different issues which made me realize how my life wasn't so difficult.
I'm learning how to love myself every single day and that i have responsibilities that i have to uphold. I've become so accustomed to the life here that i cant imagine living anywhere else. but that's just my insecurities of change and how much i despise it because i don't know how to deal with it.
being here for just a month I've learned so much about love and hashem that its only justifiable that they go hand in hand. I've realized that all those years of not believing in him or her it turned me into this negative person that i didn't even like anymore. i trust myself to find the right path and make a difference. the right path isn't always black and white either. life has so much to offer that we can only take advantage.
i speak to my parents regularly and they seem happy and at peace with our decision to come to Israel. i appreciate them for all they have ever done and all that they continue to do for me. there are internal conflicts among us but if we didn't have our issues then we wouldn't be real.
I've always admitted that i was born in the wrong time. and being here has made me not only realize my age numerically but spiritually as well. i speak freely to the adults of the community and the elderly i have been adopted by their culture and embrace ever moment i get to spend here.
my job, by the way, is in the kitchen i basically cut vegetables for the chefs of the entire kibbutz. i pride myself in being head volunteer and respected by the chefs and by the staff. i especially love my job because I've never felt like i mattered not at work, home or socially. i felt like i was always in the backseat of life ride and i was very wrong. i let myself get stepped on and made myself feel worthless because i didn't think i deserved to be happy like everyone else. i know that i have every right to be happy and to lead a successful life.
being here i learned how closed mined i was for so long. granted I'm only 20 years old and still have a lot to learn but i think I'm getting a handle on life and what i want. i have a long time to go therefore I'm very optimistic and still living in la la land.
i plan to continue traveling after my experience here in Israel and hopefully have enough courage to go out in the real world and make something of myself. i know that kibbutz life is a very relaxed and stress free work environment and that would make me too comfortable to leave it but if i know i can function here then why is it so difficult to make it outside. I'm aware of the fact that city life is hectic but that's what growing up is about. its about failing and then succeeding at my discretion.
until next time
-me
PS i wont take another month to write back i promise.
I've met some pretty amazing people here. people from all over the world. people with different issues which made me realize how my life wasn't so difficult.
I'm learning how to love myself every single day and that i have responsibilities that i have to uphold. I've become so accustomed to the life here that i cant imagine living anywhere else. but that's just my insecurities of change and how much i despise it because i don't know how to deal with it.
being here for just a month I've learned so much about love and hashem that its only justifiable that they go hand in hand. I've realized that all those years of not believing in him or her it turned me into this negative person that i didn't even like anymore. i trust myself to find the right path and make a difference. the right path isn't always black and white either. life has so much to offer that we can only take advantage.
i speak to my parents regularly and they seem happy and at peace with our decision to come to Israel. i appreciate them for all they have ever done and all that they continue to do for me. there are internal conflicts among us but if we didn't have our issues then we wouldn't be real.
I've always admitted that i was born in the wrong time. and being here has made me not only realize my age numerically but spiritually as well. i speak freely to the adults of the community and the elderly i have been adopted by their culture and embrace ever moment i get to spend here.
my job, by the way, is in the kitchen i basically cut vegetables for the chefs of the entire kibbutz. i pride myself in being head volunteer and respected by the chefs and by the staff. i especially love my job because I've never felt like i mattered not at work, home or socially. i felt like i was always in the backseat of life ride and i was very wrong. i let myself get stepped on and made myself feel worthless because i didn't think i deserved to be happy like everyone else. i know that i have every right to be happy and to lead a successful life.
being here i learned how closed mined i was for so long. granted I'm only 20 years old and still have a lot to learn but i think I'm getting a handle on life and what i want. i have a long time to go therefore I'm very optimistic and still living in la la land.
i plan to continue traveling after my experience here in Israel and hopefully have enough courage to go out in the real world and make something of myself. i know that kibbutz life is a very relaxed and stress free work environment and that would make me too comfortable to leave it but if i know i can function here then why is it so difficult to make it outside. I'm aware of the fact that city life is hectic but that's what growing up is about. its about failing and then succeeding at my discretion.
until next time
-me
PS i wont take another month to write back i promise.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hashem is my Judge
ive always had a problem with authority especially when it came to the topic about god. out here in the desert i have slowly but surly relaized that he or she has this undying love for his creations that even the wisest of men cannot comprehend.
much to say about my past week here. about who ive met and who ive become.
although i have so much to say and so much to express my words will be kept minimal due to the true uncertainty of my feelings. i hope i will continue to reveal myself to myself in the coming months and trust fully in hashem that everything he or she does is for the very best whether i choose to take the easy road or the seemingly diffcult bumpy path.
until next time
-me
much to say about my past week here. about who ive met and who ive become.
although i have so much to say and so much to express my words will be kept minimal due to the true uncertainty of my feelings. i hope i will continue to reveal myself to myself in the coming months and trust fully in hashem that everything he or she does is for the very best whether i choose to take the easy road or the seemingly diffcult bumpy path.
until next time
-me
Sunday, August 8, 2010
page one, chapter one, verse one
welcome to israel one sign said as i walked my way through customs at the isreali airport. now, i dont know if i should be happy at this point or sad because from here on out im on my own. im both excited and scared at the same time.
i made it to my hostel and ate my first true israeli shawarmma, so much better than the states. then slept until 4am and went running to the beach about a block away and watched the sunrise from the tel-aviv coastline.
after, i went to a nearby cafe and had coffee and back to the hostel to shower and meet with the kibbutz coordinator for my living arangements. long story short i got to kibbutz ketura near eilat. met the director of the volunteers Aliza and went to my room to unpack and cool down. i have to remind you that i am in the middle of the negev which roughly translates to the desert. it took me a couple days to kick the jetlag which was kind of getting on my nerves because i was so excited to start meeting people and learn about my job. after getting settled and showering i made my way to the dining room and had my first meal obviously i sat alone becasue no one knew me but i ended up moving to sit with Aliza and her 4 children then making my way back to my room. on my way to my room i was called over by the other volunteers who were also so eager to meet me as i was the newest member or 'fresh-meat' as they refer to all the new comers. anyways, i sat down with them as if i had been here before was poured a glass of wine and casually joined the conversation. i went back to my room roughly around 930pm becasue again jetlag is the most annoying process ever!
for those of you who know me and my sleeping habits know that i can sleep for days on end but there must be something in the air here that i am wide awake at 7am. also makes due right becasue i work from 8am-3pm.
job- i work in the hotel of the kibbutz 'keren kolot' setting things up for the guests. not the best of jobs but i really dont have a choice.
ive become really good friends with people around the kibbutz from people who have lived here all their lives to the volunteers. most of them are leaving soon becasue they were only here for the summer so im a little sad about that but i cant wait to be the veteran volunteer and people ask me where things and places are instead of visaversa.
i dont know if my hebrew will improve here becasue english is the primary language then spanish then hebrew but i am learning little by little and hope to have the ability to have a conversation in hebrew soon.
until next time.
-me
i made it to my hostel and ate my first true israeli shawarmma, so much better than the states. then slept until 4am and went running to the beach about a block away and watched the sunrise from the tel-aviv coastline.
after, i went to a nearby cafe and had coffee and back to the hostel to shower and meet with the kibbutz coordinator for my living arangements. long story short i got to kibbutz ketura near eilat. met the director of the volunteers Aliza and went to my room to unpack and cool down. i have to remind you that i am in the middle of the negev which roughly translates to the desert. it took me a couple days to kick the jetlag which was kind of getting on my nerves because i was so excited to start meeting people and learn about my job. after getting settled and showering i made my way to the dining room and had my first meal obviously i sat alone becasue no one knew me but i ended up moving to sit with Aliza and her 4 children then making my way back to my room. on my way to my room i was called over by the other volunteers who were also so eager to meet me as i was the newest member or 'fresh-meat' as they refer to all the new comers. anyways, i sat down with them as if i had been here before was poured a glass of wine and casually joined the conversation. i went back to my room roughly around 930pm becasue again jetlag is the most annoying process ever!
for those of you who know me and my sleeping habits know that i can sleep for days on end but there must be something in the air here that i am wide awake at 7am. also makes due right becasue i work from 8am-3pm.
job- i work in the hotel of the kibbutz 'keren kolot' setting things up for the guests. not the best of jobs but i really dont have a choice.
ive become really good friends with people around the kibbutz from people who have lived here all their lives to the volunteers. most of them are leaving soon becasue they were only here for the summer so im a little sad about that but i cant wait to be the veteran volunteer and people ask me where things and places are instead of visaversa.
i dont know if my hebrew will improve here becasue english is the primary language then spanish then hebrew but i am learning little by little and hope to have the ability to have a conversation in hebrew soon.
until next time.
-me
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