appreciation

ive been here for 2 months and already i see a change in my character and what i left behind at home.

character-
life isnt only about having a good time or making people happy its about being a funtioning human being in soceity and having fun, equal balance. in my life i have always been the party-goer the one always looking for the next laugh. ive come to realize that as i get older more and more is expected from me and i know that life is short and that i must take advantage. i must also know that in order to have fun i have to be responsible. my job here on kibbutz has taught me that first and foremost. i have learned that i am only 20 and even though i pride myself in knowing a lot, in actuality i dont. but im more than willing to learn.

when i was 18 my parents decided that as my graduation present they would send me to live in spain for 2 months. as a recent high school graduate i should have taken that opportunity to meet new people from all over the world and broaden my horizons but instead i was too overwhelmed by not having my parents (who were so genorous) watch over me and my every move. therefore, i went out and partied like no other and spent my allowance carelessly, i didnt do well in the study abraod program in a country where i speak the language.

now that im in a country that i do not speak the language and older not more mature but older i feel as though i owe it to myself to be someone that im so desperate to be. i want to be worldly and cultured and meet all kinds of people. i want to fall in love with myself the way i know i can and on my own terms.

my parents are great and no im not just sucking up to them because they read this but because of the people i have met so far on this trip ive come to realize that i never had it bad. ive never had to beg or steal for survival. yes my mom and i have had our differences but who doesnt fight with their parents. my mom always looked out for me first and even though i was angry at her for a long time for leaving my dad i always knew becasue she reminded me constantly that it was for my benefit and a chance at a better life. my dad (papi) and i were always friends we talked about life and coming of age when i didnt know what to expect he was there. i dont know a lot of kids that had such a great relationship with their step parents but i got lucky. my parents put up with a lot especially with me and all my mistakes and how difficult it was for me to simply say no to the people clostest to me. my father and i only in the past six or seven years rebuilt our relationship becasue i was too immature to over come his absence which in essence was my fault for not letting him in. i love him dearly as my father and as my friend. im a big softy thanks to him and so passive thanks to him and becasue of him i am alive and will always thank him for that.

my life has drastically changed for the better and i continue to be playful because its who i am but i know theres much more to life than fun and games.
like abuelo always used to say, "be kind, be sweet, dont cost no money."
i guess living in israel with no money you reall take into account that being kind and being sweet will get you far.

until next time
-me

atonement

happy new year from israel.

in the past 45 days ive been trying to figure who i am and who i want to be for the rest of my life. i know its a lot to deal with and should not be dealt with all at once unless the ultimate desire is to go crazy but i have been thinking a lot about what my life has come to in the past 20 years and what ive accomplished.

i spent the new year with a dear friend from miami and her family in ashdod on the beach. now, i dont know how much you know about kibbutz lifestlye but its very basic no fancy things and food is edible. simple life is the key. when i went to ashdod i was welcomed back into the new century all over again because i wasnt used to all the electronics and clean and modern houses. even though thats all ive been brought up to believe. because i was so lucky. i was greeted so genoroulsy by this family and helped out as much as i could. we ate pounds and pounds of food and had nice conversations. i learned that i know much more hebrew than i thought i did and was corrected when i said something out of context. this penthouse apartment on the beach was the most beautiful site i have seen here in israel. waking up to the ocean waves clashing along the shore and the sun rising in its horizon and then the sunset as it makes its way to the other side of the planet.im am completely aware that everyone has a story to tell and every family has their own issues and this family is no different. i really enjoyed my time with familiar faces and brought in the new year full of love and happiness.

yom kippur is tomorrow night. it is the day of atonement. jews get one day out of the year to ask hashem to forgive us for what we have done in the previous year and to teach us from our mistakes. hashem is fully aware of all the things ive done and even thought of doing. i plan on taking this day to really get into my own head and ask for forgiveness because everyone deserves a chance and i dont mean just second or third chances but the way i see it is, im 20 and growing up im bound to make many many mistakes my only problem is that i never learn from them. i always mess up by doing the same bullshit again. this year is different for me and i know my mom would probably say "you say that every year" but this year really will be different for me. im outside the country in gods-land and wont be going home for a while so i have nothing to do but repair myself. i hope to be inscribed in the book of life as a good person with a great heart and good intentions. i hope that my parents forgive me for all the pain and agony ive caused them over the years and my family as well. i know that they love me because theyre biologically programmed to do so but at this point in my life i feel like they should get something back, something good should come out of this time away for my benefit because they want to see me prosper nothing more but be a good person and a positive role model for my sister and for generations that follow.

i hope with this day of atonement i am able to fully reach gods attention even though every other jew is doing the same i trust that he hears us all individually. i trust that everything that has happened or will happen will be for the very best.

i trust that hashem will watch over my family and bless them in everyway possible and continue to inscribe them in the book of life.
i spoke to the rabbi of kibbutz and he said that god understands you even when you dont so trust in him fully and let him navigate, but free will, will make you make bad decisions unless you think of him first and foremost.

i wish all of you the easiest fast and the most honorable prayers.


until next time
-me

time- elapsed

so I'm basically living normally now. I've gotten my feet covered with the sand from this desert. i surprised myself that after a month of being here i haven't been homesick. rather, i miss my home because it is my home. it holds everything to be true to me and everything i know and used to. i realized that by being here that i carry my home wherever i go and with whom ever i encounter. I've made this place my home and I'm sure there are stages of comfort and after my first month of being here and meeting everyone and getting good at my job and gaining respect that I'm a great person. i have so messed up ideas sometimes that are not so rational but I've learned to delegate between the bad and good and this process never ends. the human condition says that humans never stop learning or wanting love.

I've met some pretty amazing people here. people from all over the world. people with different issues which made me realize how my life wasn't so difficult.
I'm learning how to love myself every single day and that i have responsibilities that i have to uphold. I've become so accustomed to the life here that i cant imagine living anywhere else. but that's just my insecurities of change and how much i despise it because i don't know how to deal with it.

being here for just a month I've learned so much about love and hashem that its only justifiable that they go hand in hand. I've realized that all those years of not believing in him or her it turned me into this negative person that i didn't even like anymore. i trust myself to find the right path and make a difference. the right path isn't always black and white either. life has so much to offer that we can only take advantage.

i speak to my parents regularly and they seem happy and at peace with our decision to come to Israel. i appreciate them for all they have ever done and all that they continue to do for me. there are internal conflicts among us but if we didn't have our issues then we wouldn't be real.

I've always admitted that i was born in the wrong time. and being here has made me not only realize my age numerically but spiritually as well. i speak freely to the adults of the community and the elderly i have been adopted by their culture and embrace ever moment i get to spend here.

my job, by the way, is in the kitchen i basically cut vegetables for the chefs of the entire kibbutz. i pride myself in being head volunteer and respected by the chefs and by the staff. i especially love my job because I've never felt like i mattered not at work, home or socially. i felt like i was always in the backseat of life ride and i was very wrong. i let myself get stepped on and made myself feel worthless because i didn't think i deserved to be happy like everyone else. i know that i have every right to be happy and to lead a successful life.

being here i learned how closed mined i was for so long. granted I'm only 20 years old and still have a lot to learn but i think I'm getting a handle on life and what i want. i have a long time to go therefore I'm very optimistic and still living in la la land.
i plan to continue traveling after my experience here in Israel and hopefully have enough courage to go out in the real world and make something of myself. i know that kibbutz life is a very relaxed and stress free work environment and that would make me too comfortable to leave it but if i know i can function here then why is it so difficult to make it outside. I'm aware of the fact that city life is hectic but that's what growing up is about. its about failing and then succeeding at my discretion.

until next time
-me
PS i wont take another month to write back i promise.