ive always been afraid to be me. to put all my ideas and my realities right there in front of me and present them as i am. i always thought that if i showed the real me to me i wouldnt like the person i see and the person ive become. i let my sweet talking get me where i am today. no where. im not being hard of myself but as i sit here in the middle of no where in a country much smaller than the state of new jersey i realize that im 20 years old and havent dont anything remotely productive. i graduated high school by the skins on my teethe because i just stopped caring. i let my social life manifest itself ito this big giant bully that even i was afraid of. i let other people get to me and pull me in all sorts of different directions; mostly the wrong ones. and i know i should have been strong enough to just put my best foot foward and move on and leave all the bullshit behind and worry about me and my life and my goals and my ambitions. but i wasnt. i dont think i am that person yet. i dont know if ill ever be that person. but heres where life plays a funny trick on you: most of the time its our parents who are biologically programmed to push you and make you do better than they did or at least just succeed in something in life; but other times its just the result of all your mistakes evolving into one big wake up call and at that point you have no other option, basic survival needs are at risk.
so much has happened since i got to be'er sheva. mostly good because there are good people on this earth no matter where you go. and because of how i was raised and the things ive seen in my short life i have definite reason to believe that good people exist. ive met some of the brightest minds in our upcoming generation. people that will change the world someday.
im learning so much about life and people and the environment and simple living that sometimes i wonder if ill ever be able to do this back home. i miss home dearly. i miss my family because they are my family and becasue theyve alwasy stuck by me no matter how much i messed up. but at this point in my soul-vacation i feel as though the only reason i want to go back is to prove to them how well i can do. and how far ive come as a person and a member of society. first of all thats not a good reason and second of all i cant do that if i give up now and run back home because life is hard here and im suffering. im suffering without love but im gaining so much more without it. im being forced to love myself. im being forced to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself that i can do it, i can succeed, i have to. normal people can do this without being shipped off halfway across the universe but as everyone knows me and as well as i know myself i learn silly life lessons at a much slower pace. obviously this needs to change, for my own good.
although, i have to give myself some credit on the great work ive done with my persona. i dont know if thats the correct way to use that word but it sounds right so im using it.
as the weeks progress i learn something new about myself that i never even thought possible. silly fact: i always thought eating alone was for weirdos; but that was just my insecurity of being watched a stared at as that lonely girl who has to eat alone. i eat alone confidently now.
ive learned that im a good friend. i can be trusted. its a savvy feeling.
my time in israel has been that of a bumpy road. honestly, i came here with the intention to volunteer my life for 6 months and then go back home and start over. plans never work out. i really enjoyed my time on the kibbutz, i enjoyed the solidarity, the peace, the quiet, and the new faces. but i also came to realize that i am in a brand new country everyone is a new face, and i aspire to meet them all. i realized that the kibbutz was just a stepping stone into the real world, a world in which i have to fend for myself and become my own kind of person without things getting done for me, thats why i left. no matter how hard it is, for my own sake and well-being, i had to push it to the extreme and get to my lowest low. my parents say im ballsy, i call it courageous.
my parents mentioned the fact that this is the longest commitment ive ever kept. 3 months in one place to teach me a lesson. lesson: learned. mission not even remotely accomplished.
im learning how to accept who i am and what i want, in a partner, in a friend, in an enemy, in a companion. i know im young and have my whole life ahead of me to find this one person but i cant help but think what if im so unstable they just pass right by me and i never get a chance to give all the love thats inside my heart or recieve all the love that i deserve to recieve. or what if ive already met the person i want to spend my life with but again too unstable to manage life and love at the same time. thats the balance im learning to handle.
until next time
me
