atonement

happy new year from israel.

in the past 45 days ive been trying to figure who i am and who i want to be for the rest of my life. i know its a lot to deal with and should not be dealt with all at once unless the ultimate desire is to go crazy but i have been thinking a lot about what my life has come to in the past 20 years and what ive accomplished.

i spent the new year with a dear friend from miami and her family in ashdod on the beach. now, i dont know how much you know about kibbutz lifestlye but its very basic no fancy things and food is edible. simple life is the key. when i went to ashdod i was welcomed back into the new century all over again because i wasnt used to all the electronics and clean and modern houses. even though thats all ive been brought up to believe. because i was so lucky. i was greeted so genoroulsy by this family and helped out as much as i could. we ate pounds and pounds of food and had nice conversations. i learned that i know much more hebrew than i thought i did and was corrected when i said something out of context. this penthouse apartment on the beach was the most beautiful site i have seen here in israel. waking up to the ocean waves clashing along the shore and the sun rising in its horizon and then the sunset as it makes its way to the other side of the planet.im am completely aware that everyone has a story to tell and every family has their own issues and this family is no different. i really enjoyed my time with familiar faces and brought in the new year full of love and happiness.

yom kippur is tomorrow night. it is the day of atonement. jews get one day out of the year to ask hashem to forgive us for what we have done in the previous year and to teach us from our mistakes. hashem is fully aware of all the things ive done and even thought of doing. i plan on taking this day to really get into my own head and ask for forgiveness because everyone deserves a chance and i dont mean just second or third chances but the way i see it is, im 20 and growing up im bound to make many many mistakes my only problem is that i never learn from them. i always mess up by doing the same bullshit again. this year is different for me and i know my mom would probably say "you say that every year" but this year really will be different for me. im outside the country in gods-land and wont be going home for a while so i have nothing to do but repair myself. i hope to be inscribed in the book of life as a good person with a great heart and good intentions. i hope that my parents forgive me for all the pain and agony ive caused them over the years and my family as well. i know that they love me because theyre biologically programmed to do so but at this point in my life i feel like they should get something back, something good should come out of this time away for my benefit because they want to see me prosper nothing more but be a good person and a positive role model for my sister and for generations that follow.

i hope with this day of atonement i am able to fully reach gods attention even though every other jew is doing the same i trust that he hears us all individually. i trust that everything that has happened or will happen will be for the very best.

i trust that hashem will watch over my family and bless them in everyway possible and continue to inscribe them in the book of life.
i spoke to the rabbi of kibbutz and he said that god understands you even when you dont so trust in him fully and let him navigate, but free will, will make you make bad decisions unless you think of him first and foremost.

i wish all of you the easiest fast and the most honorable prayers.


until next time
-me