time- elapsed

so I'm basically living normally now. I've gotten my feet covered with the sand from this desert. i surprised myself that after a month of being here i haven't been homesick. rather, i miss my home because it is my home. it holds everything to be true to me and everything i know and used to. i realized that by being here that i carry my home wherever i go and with whom ever i encounter. I've made this place my home and I'm sure there are stages of comfort and after my first month of being here and meeting everyone and getting good at my job and gaining respect that I'm a great person. i have so messed up ideas sometimes that are not so rational but I've learned to delegate between the bad and good and this process never ends. the human condition says that humans never stop learning or wanting love.

I've met some pretty amazing people here. people from all over the world. people with different issues which made me realize how my life wasn't so difficult.
I'm learning how to love myself every single day and that i have responsibilities that i have to uphold. I've become so accustomed to the life here that i cant imagine living anywhere else. but that's just my insecurities of change and how much i despise it because i don't know how to deal with it.

being here for just a month I've learned so much about love and hashem that its only justifiable that they go hand in hand. I've realized that all those years of not believing in him or her it turned me into this negative person that i didn't even like anymore. i trust myself to find the right path and make a difference. the right path isn't always black and white either. life has so much to offer that we can only take advantage.

i speak to my parents regularly and they seem happy and at peace with our decision to come to Israel. i appreciate them for all they have ever done and all that they continue to do for me. there are internal conflicts among us but if we didn't have our issues then we wouldn't be real.

I've always admitted that i was born in the wrong time. and being here has made me not only realize my age numerically but spiritually as well. i speak freely to the adults of the community and the elderly i have been adopted by their culture and embrace ever moment i get to spend here.

my job, by the way, is in the kitchen i basically cut vegetables for the chefs of the entire kibbutz. i pride myself in being head volunteer and respected by the chefs and by the staff. i especially love my job because I've never felt like i mattered not at work, home or socially. i felt like i was always in the backseat of life ride and i was very wrong. i let myself get stepped on and made myself feel worthless because i didn't think i deserved to be happy like everyone else. i know that i have every right to be happy and to lead a successful life.

being here i learned how closed mined i was for so long. granted I'm only 20 years old and still have a lot to learn but i think I'm getting a handle on life and what i want. i have a long time to go therefore I'm very optimistic and still living in la la land.
i plan to continue traveling after my experience here in Israel and hopefully have enough courage to go out in the real world and make something of myself. i know that kibbutz life is a very relaxed and stress free work environment and that would make me too comfortable to leave it but if i know i can function here then why is it so difficult to make it outside. I'm aware of the fact that city life is hectic but that's what growing up is about. its about failing and then succeeding at my discretion.

until next time
-me
PS i wont take another month to write back i promise.